Tall Tale: Mitch Wrestled A Bear Once
- Posted on
- By Team Effort: Rachel McFadden, Troy Treaccar, & Nate Braks
- Posted in Tall Tale
When a grizzly bear charged Sound Bike & Kayak's mechanic Mitch, his only defense was his 16-pocket jersey. He grabbed his Topeak Ratchet Rocket Lite NTZ+ from a secret pocket and yelled, "Torque spec accuracy guaranteed for 5000 cycles!" as he struck the bear’s paw, forcing the confused animal to retreat.
How a Bike Mechanic's 16-Pocket Jersey Saved Him From a Grizzly Bear
Mitch, the head mechanic at Sound Bikes & Kayaks, doesn't just wear a cycling jersey — he wears a mobile tool chest. While riding his Backside (IYKYK), he was musing about the 16 different storage compartments being utilized for this particular excursion. Each compartment contained a perfectly organized and thought-out item, from zip ties to a miniature tube of chain lube. This obsession with cargo capacity was about to save his life.
Rounding a blind corner and sliding on a wet root, Mitch slammed on the brakes. His perfectly bled and tuned brake system stopped him immediately…no noise or vibration because he’s a mechanic. Standing between him and the next feature was a bear the size of a small hatchback, casually ripping apart a log.
Panic seized Mitch. He reached for the standard three jersey pockets in the back—one held his phone, the second his keys, the third, a slightly melted energy bar. None were suitable for defensive maneuvers. The bear noticed him, stood up, and let out a bellow that rattled the leaves on the trees.
"Okay, redundancy, don't fail me now!" Mitch whispered, frantically searching the other sixteen compartments: the side seam pockets, the hidden chest zip, the cargo pocket sewn into the sleeve, and the two tiny internal pouches.
Finally, his fingers closed around the cold, compact shape hidden in the zippered mesh pocket just above his left kidney: his Topeak Ratchet Rocket Lite NTX+.
The bear charged. Time slowed. Mitch, channeling years of frustrated pivot bearing removal, screamed, "You need a 8mm hex key, fella!" and snapped the bit into place - creating a makeshift mini hammer dialed up to a 6Nm torque spec.
As the bear swiped, Mitch didn't cower; he delivered a perfect, desperate, glancing blow to the bear's massive paw. He shouted, "Torque spec accuracy guaranteed for 5000 cycles!"
The unexpected sting of hardened steel, combined with the sheer audacity of being attacked by a 19-function compact mini tool kit, made the bear recoil in confusion, shaking its paw. He quickly decided the hassle wasn't worth it and retreated back into the brush.
Mitch collapsed, clutching the tool like a talisman. He survived. Not through muscle or speed, but because he was the only person in the county who believed his jersey should have more pockets than a fishing vest. He had the right tool for the job—even if that job was emergency bear deterrence. His only takeaway? He should have carried a second multi-tool in the other sleeve pocket.
***This article is fictional and is for entertainment purposes only***
Wish your jersey had pockets? Check out this SBK jersey. It may not have 16 pockets, but it definitely gets the job done.
